difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over

i can't stop thinking about lauren lately.. i can't post things on facebook cuz then my mom thikns i'm depressed again, freaks out and makes me explain my whole life.. i can't even post song lyrics or anything imaginative or creative or twisted because she doesn't get it.. i can only update with true event status' like, today i stubbed my toe, or i love my life.., or work sucks..

i can't be enclosed in bathrooms.. i start to just panic in my head.. like when i get out of the shower as soon as i'm decent i open the door.. even a crack helps.. if i'm only peeing i don't care who's upstairs i don't shut the door all the way, brushing my teeth or something i don't even start to shut the door.. i don't like it in there anymore.. i can't see certain cars.. i can't hear songs.. i can't imagine how she got that far.. i've been to the thought process of wanting to give up but never when it came down to it would i have been able to make a lifelong decision for others.. i want to get married one day.. i want kids and a fun backyard with fourwheelers and doggys and my cat and family rituals.. she was always the one who used to cheer me up.. what sent her so far.. wouldn't she want a future too.. everything gets better..
god it makes me sick.. i got to a chapter in my book about the main character being stuck in a morphine withdrawal hallucination, except it was way worse than any other normal person's withdrawal.. this book had some fiction to it which felt real to the main character so in his withdrawal he woke in a coffin with a presence next to him and well i'm the only one who reads this so its my way to vent so i'm not going to explain the entire thing to myself but he was put through hell.. his hell.. all the stories throughout the novel that his lover told him came real while in his hallucinogenic withdrawal and he was for the timespan of three real days in his own hell.. his hell resembled Dante's Inferno because that was a big issue in the book (his lover would read to him while he was in the burn unit) but when he got to the forest where the people who commit suicide are stuck for an eternity i could help but start bawling.. i don't believe that shit.. like Tommy fucking always tried to say.. fuck you.. i believe in a sort of religion because believing there is a god and believing someone is watching over me and my family and friends are there looking over me and loved ones helps me feel comfort and i do believe there is someone else in this world who has blessed me with such a good life but i do not believe god would let her be stuck there hurting for an eternity.. she made a mistake.. i know she would take it back if we could all have talked to her.. just distracted her by saying "hey lets go play your Seinfeld game and i'll get you some french fries and ketchup"

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK i can't do this anymore for today..


happy thoughts.. i miss my boyfriend.. half an hour.. <3

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SING AGAIN.. AS LOUD AS I WANT.. I FEEL TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO SING AS LOUD AS I WANT.. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST EVER LEAVE FOR LIKE EVEN AT HOUR.. i think this is why i was so excited to go to gregs gigs cuz i know i'll end up singing.. singing is my therapy.. i need it

god i miss lauren.. thats all i do is write her name.. on everything.. and hear her voice in my head.. even little phrases like "oh patrick" or "oh pamela" or "why thank you".. i still don't get why "everything happens for a reason".. i love you lollipop.. this is the only place i'm not scared to express it.. i feel so out of place with everyone.. i promise i just let go and gave up on trying to get you guys not to mad at me anymore because i wanted you guys to be finally happy and not stressed about anything else.. i thought thats what you guys needed and wanted and i just wanted to do as you asked of me... i wanted you guys not to have to deal with any more stress.. so i finally stopped trying.. but it didn't mean i didn't love you or care.. you were mine first..(no no no not in that way) lol i mean my friend.. my reason i came to abc happy and excited for new days.. i mean really.. do you think joe willett got such an intense cheat sheet when he went on his own.. no way lil lady.. just you.. all those french fries i'd surprise you with were just to hear you sing.. your uncle did a very good job.. made us feel like we were there with every story..talked about the real you.. the stunning,beautiful,entrancing,giddy,"look at me" you.. i love you so much.. no one will ever understand how truly horribly this is affecting me.. i can't explain it right to anyone.. its so hard for me.. wondering if you were still mad at me.. wondering what i did to make you so mad.. being the only friend not on the picture board with you.. god me and you were so close so fast.. then i lost you over and over.. i promise you i was happy for you both.. i promise i didn't mean to offend anyone when i helped him move out.. i swear to god.. i packed up all your guys stuff with such care.. i was making sure to even pick up every marker and try and find a place for it.. i thought i was helping.. i didn't want you guys to have to do it.. i didn't know i would lose you again.. i lost you so many times.. it breaks my heart.. your so contagious.. your energy.. your beauty.. i don't think i've ever seen a bad picture of you.. i remember waiting for the days when you would turn 21 finally.. so we could go out.. but i came back and everything was different.. but i don't remember the different.. i remember the happiness.. i remember my lauren.. the one who left me notes on my desk and stole teddy's french fries and faught with "hi my name is joe" over who i loved more..(p.s.-it was definately always you) god i fucking i love you.. i miss you.. i'm so fucking mad at you but i'm trying not to be.. god fucking dammit lollipop.. please keep jen safe.. i fed your puppa doggy some treats.. i know you never really gave him people food or anything but i promise they were just doggy treats.. old and stale ones but he loved em.. and i gave him some water.. he loves jen soooo much.. she keeps him happy.. we all love you babygirl.. please bring us your smile everyday.. we need it.. i love you lollipop.. my lil trainee.. i love french fries.. i love french fries.. i love french fries hey hey hey hey.. i really can't breathe right now.. i hope your not mad at me still.. it hurts so bad.. no matter what.. even if you are i love you always..

r.i.p beautiful.. say hi to mister rambo for me..

dad's sick again overnight.. prolly pneumonia again.. would be the third time.. its easy for him to get it with his disease.. which scares the hell out of me because he'll wait so long to go to the doctor and sarcoidosis is the same way bernie mac died by having pneumonia..

gram's not doing well at all.. they don't think she's gonna make it to christmas.. which in turn is stressing dad out and making him more sick..

my parent's both have plans on xmas... who's parents make plans for christmas.. hello you have two kids.. but i guess i don't blame them since no ones real big on christmas and gifts this year..

i've put myself into an un-explainable amount of debt trying to be thoughtful and really creative about what i got everyone this year.. especially tyler which i'm starting to learn was pointless because for a long long time he was acting so in love with me again but now i feel him pulling further again.. if he didn't work so much i know that he'd be around more and feel more because we'd be able to do fun things...

i'm lost.. and losing faith.. in myself and life in general.. i'm so tired of trying.. i'm dreading christmas morning as well.. all of christmas actually..

plain old in a word i'm .. sad

mr.michael is like the only thing keeping my head up.. he's so easy to make smile and he realizes more than anyone understands.. such a good kid.. i spent so much on him for xmas lol..

i love tyler lindbloom......................... eep!

ugh i have writers block.. well i'm not so sure its writers block or just lack of time to sit down and write.. and just focus.. he consumes me and i don't want it any other way.. he makes me smile constantly.. he treats me like a princess.. he calls.. he never acts like someone else.. he's amazing.. god i want to show him that.. i am happy.. holy shit!! eep! my fucking smile right now is ridiculous.. oh mr.sillypants boy i'll cross my fingers that you never go away...

::crosses fingers tighter then she ever has and scrunches up her entire face and body to add in that extra ounce of hope::


<3

it hurts

i am so fucking lost..

at least i have a good life minus the love thing..

meh...

i don't wanna be lost anymore..

Learning To Fly lyrics

Well I started out down a dirty road

Started out all alone

And the sun went down, as I crossed the hill

And the town lit up, the world got still



I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings

Coming down is the hardest thing



Well the good ol' days, may not return

And the rocks might melt & the sea may burn



I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings

Coming down is the hardest thing



Well some say life will beat you down,break your heart, steal your crown

So I've started out, for God knows where

I guess I'll know when I get there



I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,

But what goes up must come down



I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings

Coming down is the hardest thing

i want to die..

so horribly..

thats all i want and no one knows..




i feel so alone
and i'm scared

so tonight what used to be a crush has been recycled into pure hatred..

tonight i'll douse the tears with liquor..

tonight i'll put away the blade and fight back the urge..

tonight i'll start caring about myself..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll burn my memory along with several yellow pieces of paper n ink..

tonight i'll throw my heart into that fire..

tonight i'll no longer just be temperature cold..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll stop reaching for a hand..

tonight i'll stop feeding off of moments that felt like more..

tonight i'll learn i'm better than that..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll play with my cat and let his claws gouge my skin instead of blades..

tonight i'll throw away this sick excuse for insanity..

tonight i'll cry myself to sleep with purring in my ear as my only sense of comfort..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll make it be enough..

tonight i'll take nyquill to fucking fall asleep..

tonight i'll turn lust into lothe..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll pick up the jagged pieces, whatever are left..

tonight i'll put them away for someone who truly wants me..

tonight i'll save them for someone who believes in more than moments..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll shiver under the blankets continuing to wish..

tonight i'll count how many days since i've taken a single vitamin..

tonight i'll realize that i am destroying myself..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll change my mind a million times..

tonight i'll try my fucking hardest to convince myself i'm strong enough to hate..

tonight i'll die even more inside..

tonight i'll continue to hate..

tonight i'll break a c.d. intitled miss kelly's cd..

tonight i'll break a bond..

tonight i'll break free..

tonight i'll continue to hate..


tomorrows are no more..
tonight is where i stand..



god i cannot stop crying.. please god help me..

so i now will write everything important to me on here seeing as my sister reads everything i write on myspace and signs on my name and calls me asking if i'm going to kill myself.. ever since my friends got my parents involved i couldn't be more annoyed.. but i know they just cared so i'm not getting into this but for those that give a shit about my life and actually read this thing.. hold onto your seats.. this is the introspection into my twisted little mind.. this is where words come out n thoughts and poems and songs and everything that i keep bottled up inside..

if you can't deal with my twisted head.. i apologize in advance that God didn't grant you with an open mind..


love always,
me

::breaks alone::

learns how to clean up the mess after and handle it alone for once..
maybe its a good thing that the phone is broken..

this is like the 4th lj i've had.. ta daaaaaaa.. but i gotta leave for school.. so i'll fix this later..

<3